Today we’re going to learn how to play Political Mad Libs!

First, you choose some intrinsic factor of human beings. So choose something like race, sex, intelligence, whatever. Then you choose an outcome that is linked to that factor, something like lifetime earnings, criminality, whatever. Then you check to see if this correlation is accepted by the Big Four political factions. Basically, the Authoritarian Right and Authoritarian Left and the Liberation Right and Libertarian Left need to accept this as truth. Though of course, they’re keen to disagree on matters of causality but not correlation. So when you find such correlations, phrase them as outlined below and then plug them into the political Mad Lib. This will then generate for you the position of each of the Big Four political factions with regard to the topic in question.

I’ve taken the liberty of providing for you a list of generally accepted correlations with their appropriate phrasing:

Women have lower lifetime earnings than men.

Blacks have higher criminality than whites.

Asians have greater success than whites.

Lower IQ (g factor) individuals have lower rates of success.

Men dominate STEM fields.

Transsexuals have a high rate of suicide.

Women pay less taxes.

Men take more dangerous jobs.

Women initiate divorce most often.

Non-whites lean Left (in the West).

Blacks dominate in professional basketball.

Men dominate politics.

Westerners have the greatest wealth.

 

The Mad Lib

 

 

 

Political Mad Lib 2 300x300 Political Mad Libs Part I: The Political Compass Compass

Authoritarian Right: It’s because _________. Period.

Authoritarian Left: It’s not because _________. Period.

Libertarian Left: Nobody knows if it’s because _________. Period.

Libertarian Right: We’re free to believe it’s because _________. Period.

 

You can also rephrase the Mad Lib with some qualifiers, which I’m going to do here for the sake of better understanding it:

Authoritarian Right: It’s because _________. There is no other answer!

Authoritarian Left: It’s not because _________. It’s anything but that answer!

Libertarian Left: It’s wrong to believe it’s because _________, since nobody knows the answer!

Libertarian Right: Whether it’s because _________ or not, we’re free to believe!

 

So let’s start plugging in our correlations to see what each political wing has to say about its causality:

Women have lower lifetime earnings that men.”

Authoritarian Right: It’s because they’re women. There is no other answer!

Authoritarian Left: It’s not because they’re women. It’s anything but that answer!

Libertarian Left: It’s wrong to believe it’s because they’re women, since nobody knows the answer!

Libertarian Right: Whether it’s because they’re women or not, we’re free to believe!

 

Blacks have higher criminality than whites.”

Authoritarian Right: It’s because they’re black. There is no other answer!

Authoritarian Left: It’s not because they’re black. It’s anything but that answer!

Libertarian Left: It’s wrong to believe it’s because they’re black, since nobody knows the answer!

Libertarian Right: Whether it’s because they’re black or not, we’re free to believe!

 

Transsexuals have a high rate of suicide.”

Authoritarian Right: It’s because they’re transsexual. There is no other answer!

Authoritarian Left: It’s not because they’re transsexual. It’s anything but that answer!

Libertarian Left: It’s wrong to believe it’s because they’re transsexual, since nobody knows the answer!

Libertarian Right: Whether it’s because they’re transsexual or not, we’re free to believe!

 

Westerners have the greatest wealth.”

Authoritarian Right: It’s because they’re Westerners. There is no other answer!

Authoritarian Left: It’s not because they’re Westerners. It’s anything but that answer!

Libertarian Left: It’s wrong to believe it’s because they’re Westerners, since nobody knows the answer!

Libertarian Right: Whether it’s because they’re Westerners or not, we’re free to believe!

 

Did you notice that the subject matter of the belief is largely irrelevant? Instead, what matters is each group’s method of interpreting causality alone and from that, what they would consider the ‘truth’ of the matter.

The Authoritarian Rightist will attribute causality to correlation. [X creates Y]

The Authoritarian Leftist will never attribute causality to correlation. [X never creates Y]

The Libertarian Leftist presumes that causality cannot be discerned from correlation. [X cannot determine Y]

The Libertarian Rightist presumes an impossibility in discernment itself, opting instead for a plurality of possibilities. [XN creates Y] (Where ‘XN’ can be anything, X or otherwise)

 

Political Morality: Moral Compasses Too!

You can also extract their moral commandments from this same dynamic:

Authoritarian Right: Do this such that all can do this!

Authoritarian Left: Do not this such that all cannot do this!

Libertarian Left: Do nothing such that all can do nothing!

Libertarian Right: Do everything such that all can do everything!

It may be difficult to discern the exact interpretations of these commandments, so just compare them to each of their ideals respectively and you’ll see what they mean. For example, the Libertarian Leftist ideal of the anarchist commune is stereotypically understood as a bunch of lazy hippies (sorry). So:

“Don’t do anything such that you would force another to have to do something.”

Basically, don’t force anyone to have to work by claiming ownership of anything another needs. It’s a softer sort of communism than the Authoritarian Leftist who refuses to let you do what would advantage you in the first place: like not allowing the better farmer to farm more land or the better hunter to own a better rifle. It’s the difference in meeting the lowest common denominator as opposed to meeting the highest one.

 

The Mad Lib: Odd Quirk or Something More?

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m uncertain of whether there’s anything to this silly Mad Lib. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t done my homework on this. If you’re interested in that work, head over to Part II where I attempt to explain what I believe is going on. Before you go however, do me the favor of adding your own correlation to the list. I’d like to see just how many we can gather together, both the ones that work and the ones that don’t. It’d also be interesting to see just how many correlations all the political factions have agreed actually agree exist.